Supporting Someone With Borderline Personality Disorders?
Supporting people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can feel overwhelming at times—especially when intense mood swings, destructive behavior, or fears of being rejected or abandoned hit unexpectedly. But with insight, empathy, and clarity, family and friends can play a vital role in nurturing stability and hope.
1. It’s Important to Remember: This Is Not Personal
BPD isn’t about manipulation—it’s about an intense struggle with emotions, thoughts and behavior. Individuals with BPD often experience rapid emotional shifts and may pull close one moment and push away the next. Their reactions typically reflect inner turmoil, not feelings toward you.
2. Listen Actively—and Work to Make the Person Feel Heard
Prioritize listen actively—tune into their emotional world, even when it seems chaotic. Focus on underlying feelings rather than just the words. When someone with BPD feels heard—and not judged—that alone can soothe the storm.
"Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don’t try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they’re saying is totally irrational."
3. Set Limits—but Do It with Clarity and Compassion
Setting boundaries is essential—for your well-being and for emotional safety. Make clear, consistent agreements: for example, “I care deeply, but I can’t continue this conversation when yelling happens.” Enforce these with calm and kindness—both you and the person with BPD are more likely to feel secure in that structure.
4. Educate Yourself—and Help Them Connect to Professional Treatment
Understanding BPD—its links to childhood trauma, fears of abandonment, and difficulties with self-regulation—is empowering for both all involved. Encourage a comprehensive treatment plan that includes Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the leading evidence-based approach for BPD. DBT equips individuals with skills in mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.
Suggest exploring treatment options together and offer to help schedule appointments or attend sessions when appropriate. Loving support paired with professional care puts people with BPD on a path toward long-term healing.
5. Balance Empathy with Self-Care
Your stability matters too. Being a friend or family member means noticing stress in yourself as well. Lean on mental health professionals, peer-support communities like BPDFamily, or trusted friends when you need to recharge and process.
6. Build Safety Through Connection and Predictability
Fear of abandonment is common in BPD. Regular check-ins—texts, calls, planned visits—offer reassurance. And don’t hesitate to affirm their strengths and presence:
“I understand how scary this feels. I’m not going anywhere.”
Remind them of positive traits you admire—this acknowledgment can ground them when emotional instability strikes.
7. Partnering Long-Term: It’s a Journey, Not a Sprint
Change takes time. With consistent care, treatment, and compassion, many individuals with BPD go on to experience lasting remission and healthier relationships.
Your steady presence, matched with professional guidance, supports growth over years—sometimes decades—but every step forward matters.
Quick Guide: Supporting Someone with BPD
What to Do Why It Helps
Listen actively Fosters trust and emotional safety
Set limits with clarity Maintains emotional boundaries and mutual respect
What to Do Why It Helps
Encourage professional treatment(DBT, etc.)
Offers structured, effective tools for managing BPD
Educate yourself Reduces stigma and improves communication
Affirm their worth Calms fear of abandonment and promotes connection
Support self-care for yourself Prevents burnout and maintains your capacity to support
Stay consistent long-term Stability over time fosters healing and resilience
Call to Action
Are you navigating the emotional ups and downs of supporting someone with BPD? You don’t have to go it alone. At Lilac Center, our clinicians specialize in guiding family and friends through the challenges of BPD. We help create treatment and support strategies that nurture both healing and healthy boundaries.
Reach out today—together, we can build a treatment plan that supports the person with BPD and keeps you grounded. Let’s start this path toward understanding, connection, and long-term well-being.