By Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW
Watching your child go through a hard time with friends may stir up strong feelings in you. When your child walks in the door hurt or angry, you may feel an urge to make the pain go away as fast as possible, whether that means fixing the problem or trying to cheer them up. Those reactions come from caring about your child. Sometimes, though, you don’t need a big reaction to show that you care, and staying calm may help your child more. Learning how to stay calm when your child is upset may help them feel safe enough to work through the feeling, and it shows them that hard emotions can be handled.
How your calm helps your child handle hard feelings
Psychologists use the term co-regulation to describe how children calm down with help from a steady adult. Young children don’t yet have all the tools they need to settle strong feelings on their own, so they often rely on the grown-ups closest to them. When you stay calm, your child may borrow some of that calm. When you get upset, your child’s distress may grow, because they’re reacting to your feelings on top of their own.
Staying calm also puts you in a better position to help your child make sense of what happened. One way to do that is to reflect their feelings back to them, much like a mirror. You might say, “You sound so hurt that they picked teams without you.” Hearing their feeling named may help your child feel understood and think the situation through. You don’t have to agree with every part of your child’s story to do this, and you don’t have to change how they feel. If you jump straight to solutions, your child may take it as a sign that their feelings are a problem to fix.
Over time, these moments may show your child how to calm themselves. Each time you stay steady and listen, your child sees what that looks like and feels what it’s like to settle back down.
How to notice when you’re losing your calm
You may not realize you’re losing your calm until you’ve already raised your voice or said something you regret. Your body often sends warning signs before that point, though, and learning to spot them may give you a few seconds to choose a different response. During hard conversations with your child, pay attention to signals like these.
- Your heart starts racing or your jaw tightens.
- You start judging your child, the other kids or yourself.
- You feel pulled to jump in with advice.
By recognizing these signs, you may be able to steady yourself before your frustration takes over. Some parents slow their breathing when they notice their heart racing. Others lower their voice on purpose or step away for a minute before continuing.
How to take a break, repair and learn from hard moments
Sometimes you notice the signs and still feel yourself getting more upset as the conversation goes on. When that happens, you don’t have to push through. A short break may help you come back steadier. You might say, “Let me start dinner, and we can talk more at bedtime.” When you take a break and return calmer, your child also gets to see a healthy way to handle strong feelings.
If you lose your temper and regret it afterward, you can go back to your child and repair it. Let them know that the way you reacted wasn’t fair to them, apologize and pick up the conversation again. A repair like this may teach your child that everyone makes mistakes and that relationships can recover from hard moments. It also shows them how to take responsibility when they lose their own temper.
After a hard talk with your child, whether it went well or not, take a few minutes to replay it in your mind. You might ask yourself a few questions.
- Where did I start to get emotional?
- What was I feeling or worried about?
- What would I like to do differently next time?
Looking back this way may help you spot patterns. You may notice that certain topics, times of day or situations tend to throw you off, and you can plan for them. Each conversation becomes practice, and the next one may feel a little easier.
When your child’s distress hits you especially hard
If you’ve learned your warning signs and still find it hard to stay calm, or you often feel flooded during your child’s hard moments, more support may help. Your reactions may also feel bigger than the situation, especially when your child’s distress brings up your own past experiences. Therapy may help you work on your own regulation. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) teaches practical skills for managing strong emotions, including ways to tolerate distress without acting on it right away and ways to calm your body when emotions run high. These skills may help parents as much as they help kids, and some families learn them together.
Common questions about staying calm
Q: Shouldn’t I try to make my child feel better?
A: Comforting your child is always a good thing. You can also take a small step back, so your child gets a chance to learn how to handle a hard feeling. Staying close and calm without rushing to fix the problem lets you do both.
Q: What if my child’s feelings seem out of proportion to what happened?
A: If your child gets very upset over what seems like a small issue to you, it may help to remember that feelings don’t always match the size of the event, especially for kids. A comment you’d shrug off may feel huge to a child who’s still learning how friendships work. You can reflect what your child feels and help them think it through once they’ve settled.
Q: How do I stay calm when my child is yelling at me?
A: You can stay calm by lowering your voice, slowing down and taking a break if you need one. When you speak calmly and quietly while your child is yelling, it may also help them bring their own volume down, since kids often match the energy around them.
Lilac Center offers DBT and therapy for adolescents and adults across Missouri and Kansas. If you find that you need more support, for yourself or your child, call us to learn more about getting started.