By Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW
It's now a few weeks into the new school year, and you find that your teen has fallen behind on an assignment after missing several days of school while they were sick. Your teen knows they need to ask their teacher for more time to finish the work. But you notice they keep avoiding that conversation completely, and if it keeps going this way, it may turn into a much bigger problem later.
From where you're standing, this might look like a small ask. A few extra days on one assignment isn't a big deal, and most teachers would probably say yes without much thought. But your teen may not be experiencing it that way at all. To them, walking up and asking might feel like admitting they've fallen behind, or risking that the teacher will see them as unreliable, and that fear can feel just as real to their brain as a much bigger threat would. That gap, small ask on the outside, big threat on the inside, is exactly why this moment calls for understanding what's actually going on in your teen’s brain.
What's Actually Happening in Your Teen's Brain
When your teen faces something stressful, like a teacher calling on them out of nowhere, a comment from a friend that stings, or just the buildup of a new school schedule, a part of their brain called the amygdala gets triggered. The amygdala acts like an alarm system. And once it goes off, it sends a signal that releases cortisol, a stress chemical, and your teen's body shifts into what's often called fight, flight, or freeze.
Short bursts of this response are normal, and they're nothing to worry about on their own. But it can turn into a problem when the amygdala stays switched on longer than it needs to. That tends to happen when the stress keeps coming without a break, when your teen doesn't get a chance to settle before the next thing hits, or when there's no calm adult around to help them come back down. And the longer the amygdala stays activated, the more it suppresses the logical, reasoning part of the brain sitting just above it.
Clinicians sometimes call this an emotional flood. It's not that the thinking part of your teen's brain hasn't developed yet. It's that in this moment, that part of the brain gets temporarily pushed offline, and what's left running is pure reaction. So your teen genuinely can't just decide to communicate calmly right then. The part of their brain that would normally help them do that is still there. It just isn't fully back online yet.
In this moment, you might be tempted to jump in and tell your teen the right words or how to communicate their thoughts. This is exactly why jumping straight to "here's what to say" often doesn't work at the moment. Telling your teen the right words to use doesn't help much if their brain is still flooded, because they need a working thinking brain to actually use those words. What they need right now is how to get regulated enough to think clearly again and we will show you the skills that they can use to help them achieve this.
Step One: Getting Regulated With the STOP Skill
Before your teen says or does something they'll regret, whether that's snapping at someone or shutting down completely, the STOP skill can help them pause long enough for their thinking brain to come back online. This STOP skill comes from a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, which teaches specific, practical skills for managing intense emotions and hard moments.And this skill has four parts, let's break it down.
- Stop. Your teen freezes for a second instead of reacting right away, the same way you'd pause before stepping off a curb into traffic.
- Take a step back. Taking a step back means creating some distance, whether that's a breath, a few seconds of silence, or physically stepping out of the room if that's possible, before responding.
- Observe. This step encourages your teen to notice what's happening, both in their body and in the situation, without trying to fix anything yet. What am I feeling right now? What's actually being said here, versus what I'm assuming?
- Proceed. Your teen should mindfully proceed and choose the next move on purpose, once the initial spike has passed, instead of letting the spike make the choice for them.
It’s also important to know that this STOP skill works best as a temporary solution for that moment of need. It doesn't solve the actual problem your teen is facing. What they need next is a skill called DEAR MAN.
Step Two: Making the Request With DEAR MAN
DEAR MAN is a DBT skill for interpersonal effectiveness, which is just a way of saying it helps your teen communicate clearly and stand up for what they need in a conversation or relationship. It works whether your teen is asking a teacher for an extension, telling a friend how they've been feeling, or simply trying to be heard without the conversation spiraling. Once your teen is regulated enough to think, each letter stands for a specific move, in order, during the conversation itself.
- D is for describe. Start with the plain facts of the situation, without judgment mixed in. "I was out sick for four days last week" is a description. "I've fallen hopelessly behind" is a judgment, and it puts the other person on the defensive before the actual request even lands.
- E is for express. Say what you feel using an actual feeling word, not a demand disguised as one. "I'm worried I won't be able to catch up" lands differently than "this isn't fair."
- A is for assert. Ask directly for the thing you actually want. Not a hint, not a hope that the other person reads your mind: an actual, specific request, like "could I have three extra days on this assignment?"
- R is for reinforce. Say what's in it for the other person if they say yes. A teacher is more likely to grant an extension to a student who adds "I'll turn in stronger work with the extra time" than to one who asks and stops there.
- M is for staying mindful. Stick to the one thing being asked for. If the conversation drifts into old grievances or unrelated complaints, the actual request gets lost in the drift.
- A is for appearing confident. A steady voice and eye contact change how a request lands, even when the feeling underneath is closer to dread than confidence. This is acting the part before the part feels natural, not faking an emotion that isn't there.
- N is for negotiate. Be ready to meet in the middle. If a teacher offers two extra days instead of three, taking the two days still counts as a real win.
What This Sounds Like for a Missed Assignment
Here's STOP and DEAR MAN applied to the first scenario: a student asking a teacher for a short extension after falling behind.
"I was out sick for four days last week and I'm behind on the essay that's due Friday. I'm honestly pretty stressed about turning in something rushed. Could I have until Monday instead? I know the extra time would mean better work, and I'd rather do that than hand in something I'm not proud of. If Monday doesn't work, even one extra day would help."
That's the whole thing in five sentences, and it hits every letter: the facts, the feeling, the direct ask, the reason it benefits the teacher too, and room to negotiate if the answer isn't a full yes. And notice that this only comes out clearly because the STOP step already happened first, quietly, before your teen walked up to the teacher's desk.
What This Sounds Like for a Friendship Problem
Interpersonal effectiveness isn't only for adults. It applies just as much to a teen navigating a friend group that's shifted, which is one of the most common back-to-school stressors there is. Here's the same two skills applied to a teen telling a friend they've felt left out.
"Lately it feels like plans are happening without me, like the group chat about the weekend I found out about after. It's been bothering me more than I expected. Could you loop me in next time, even just a text? I know it's probably not on purpose, and I'd rather say something now than just quietly feel weird about it."
Some feelings behind a moment like this are outside anyone's control. You can't control whether your teen gets left out, and you can't control how a friend group chooses to include or exclude someone. But you can help with what your teen does next. Sometimes that's a conversation like the one above. And sometimes, honestly, it's realizing a particular group just isn't a good fit, the way adults eventually figure out which social circles suit them and which don't. Helping your teen look for a group where they fit more naturally may be just as good an outcome as repairing the one they're in.
Practice the Skill Before Your Teen Needs It
Scripts like these rarely come out smoothly the first time a teen says them out loud, and that's perfectly normal. What actually helps is practicing the exact words at home first, when no one’s looking. Role-play the other person's response too, including a version where the answer is no, so your teen has already rehearsed staying steady even when the outcome isn't the one they hoped for.
If your teen tends to go quiet under pressure, or the frustration tends to come out sideways instead of directly, that's a sign these skills would help beyond just one conversation. Our adolescent DBT program teaches STOP, DEAR MAN, and the rest of the DBT skill set, with real practice built in. If you're ready to get started, schedule an appointment and we'll take it from there.
Lilac Center provides DBT-based mental health treatment for teens and adults in Kansas City and Topeka. This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute personal medical advice. If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.